just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
