a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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