4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
