No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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