your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
