I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
