Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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