Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
