Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
