I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
