I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
