but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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