Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i've created a new STD.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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