New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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