oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
