He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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