it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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