I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
