I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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