I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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