we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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