It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
