i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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