I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
