I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
