need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's