I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.