So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?