Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
