Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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