I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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