i want to swaddle you in tequila
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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