the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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