Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
