More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
