i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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