Welp...herpes.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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