Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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