Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
