home. puking in laundry basket.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
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It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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