The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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