Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
