Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
