so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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