Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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