i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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