were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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