WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
