Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
