I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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