your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
