she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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