I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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