I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
