the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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